So this month, I have been inspired to write about ‘rebuilding our self-identity and purpose after a loss’. Whilst thinking about this topic, it struck me how easy it is to feel lost, both personally and in terms of our purpose in life.
I am sitting in my ‘office’ (actually it is the dining room!), and outside it is hot, hot, hot and full of sunshine! what a glorious end to April!
Many of us know and have experienced just how a profound loss can knock us for six. It can lead us to ask ourselves “who am I now?” when we have lost someone who played such a defining role in our lives. ”What is my purpose in life?” “What do I do now, without them?” It can be challenging when we have been known as the wife, husband, mum, daughter etc, of the loved one who has passed – all of a sudden, you see yourself differently or quite often, you don’t see yourself at all!
A further example may be that we have been made redundant or are coming up to retirement and all of a sudden you ask yourself, “What is my life about now?” “What will I do with my time?” “Who am I now that I am not an accountant or a coach or a manager…what is my role in life?” “Where has my purpose and identity gone?”
On a spiritual basis, it makes me realise that we give ourselves labels in our human life, whereas spiritually speaking I am me and you are you – and that doesn’t change. Individually, we are the same love and light beings that we have always been.
And it is this aspect that gives me hope. I know that I am kind, caring and empathic and have got everyone’s best interests at heart and at my core. I also know that you are all these things too.
However, in this human existence, it doesn’t feel quite as easy as that! We strive to become someone or something, hence the labels of mum, daughter, son, dad, accountant, teacher, manager, coach etc. And when those roles alter whether through some profound change or even a smaller shift, it can throw us off course and the familiarity and identity that these labels brought us is no longer there.
So what can we do about it? How do we find our identity again? How do we seek our purpose once more?
Here are some tips on doing just that:
1. Reconnecting with your core values: If you have not heard about core values before, they are our guiding principles in life that underpin every aspect of ourselves – you may call them your anchor. For example, your core values may be: respect, unconditional love, integrity, honesty, curiosity, creativity. When we are in alignment with our values, life feels easy and joyful as we are doing what is part of our true identify. However, they will also govern how we respond to anyone or anything that goes against them. For example, if we are triggered by someone saying something to us and you don’t know why, then take a look at your core values to see where that someone has trampled on one or more of them!
So when those human labels that we have relied upon for all of our lives disappear or shift, then it helps for us to look deeper at who we truly are – so who are you beyond the roles that you play or have played? What are your core values? By identifying these you will feel more anchored to who you are, when everything around you can feel so unsteady and unfamiliar – especially after some kind of loss.
Write down your top 5 core values and then reflect on how these have shaped your life up to now and how they can guide and support you moving forward.
2. Try something new: that aligns with the essence of who you are rather than who you were in a specific role that no longer feels valid. Start with something small. For example, if you have always been someone who values supporting others, consider trying some volunteering or mentoring which may feel fulfilling to you. Or if you like connecting with others, then maybe joining a group with shared interests may be a way to meeting new people whilst doing something you enjoy. For example, walking groups, dancing evenings, or joining a book club – the list is endless!
3. Allow your purpose to unfold naturally: We do have a tendency to want to know what our purpose is immediately. However, it may take some time for this to emerge. Allow your clarity around your purpose to unfold and evolve over time. In the meantime, try reflecting on previous dreams and goals that you may have had in the past that never materialised, or maybe you stopped doing as life got in the way.
I recall many years ago, asking one of my son’s female friends what she wanted to do now that she had left school. She told me that she had no idea. So I asked her to recall what she had wanted to be when she was a little girl, growing up. The next time I saw her was some months, if not a year later. She told me “It’s all your fault!” I was a bit bewildered at this – she continued, that question you asked me…I am now training to be a midwife – that was what I wanted to be when I grew up!
So have a think about your dreams and hopes that you may have had when younger and see how you can incorporate any aspect of it into your life now.
I hope this has inspired you to reflect on who you are and your purpose in life – and maybe we have more than one purpose! It’s good to reflect on these aspects of ourselves once in a while, whether we have suffered a loss or not, whether we are in a current grief journey or not.
And of course should you require more support in these two aspects of life, please do contact me to see how I can support you. Undertaking core values and identity work with clients has always been a passion – seeing people understand themselves more fully is always a privilege.
Likewise, if you, or someone you know is struggling with a loss and subsequent grief, please do contact me to see how I can support you/them.
You can see my services and programmes here: https://www.hocokahwellbeing.com/services
And of course, you can also contact me at the following:
Tel: 07746 577339 Email: hello@hocokahwellbeing.com
All love, Lindsey