There’s a particular kind of grief that often gets overlooked - the grief of losing the person who shared your history.

One of the quietest, most unsettling parts of grief is how it changes your sense of self. Not in dramatic, or even obvious ways, however, in subtle shifts that you often don’t notice until you suddenly realise you feel unfamiliar to yourself.

When someone you love dies, the impact isn’t only emotional. It’s structural.

There’s a lot of guilt attached to grief. Guilt within ourselves as well as guilt from those around us. The guilt within us may manifest in feeling bad if we laugh at a joke or are happy for a short few moments. The guilt from those around us, may manifest in the potentially inappropriate words used or phrases such as “time is a great healer” or “are you over your grief yet?”.

The first year after a loved one has passed is hard – you will often hear it called the ‘the year of firsts’ – the first birthday or Christmas without them, the first anniversary, the first time you realise they are not coming back - all of these markers and so much more, can be can be incredibly painful, with your emotions feeling raw and disorienting. Yes indeed, the first year can be very hard, yet rarely do we talk about how the second year can be even harder. And this often comes as a shock to my clients.

When you’re in the acute stages of grief everything can feel hard - not just the big stuff, but in particular the small stuff - the what to eat, or wear today-type stuff. And whilst I focus on bereavement in my work, you can relate this aspect of grief to any kind of profound loss - careers, relationships - all major life changes.